Writing Contest “Identity” QUARTERLIFE [IDENTITY] CRISIS

Eugenia Löwen saw herself between two worlds and everyone told her which side she actually belonged to. But she doesn't want to be identified by others. She wants to determine for herself who she is. Her essay is about self-definition, the attribution of others and the complex aspects of one's own identity.

“If a cow is born in a pigsty, it still remains a cow. ” („Wenn eine Kuh im Schweinestall geboren ist, bleibt sie trotzdem eine Kuh. ”)

I want to start off with the saying above that is part of my life for nearly 27 years and which is my parents’ answer to my identity question. Mom, Dad, who am I? [insert saying here]
But why is that? Well, I was born in Russia and when I was just three years old we moved to Germany. Three years of my life I was Russian and only spoke Russian. But now I lived in Germany and here they called us “Spätaussiedler” (late repatriate). But according to my passport I was German now. Ok, whatever. In the kindergarten they forbid me to speak any Russian, because “you live in Germany now”. Ok, whatever. My parents barely spoke any Russian anymore and that is how I lost all fluency. I understand but don’t talk, cause now when I talk I have a German accent. My parents make fun of my Russian. I got robbed of my language. “You live in Germany now.” Ok, whatever. In elementary school the kids and teachers called me “Russlanddeutsche” (Russian-Germans). Ok, whatever, guess that’s who I am now. In secondary school, me gaining self-awareness and dealing with puberty, I embraced being different from the others. I appreciated the fragments of our Russian traditions, our food, our different mentality and my understanding of the Russian language. “Guys, I am Russian.” After all, I was born there, right? No, [insert saying here]. Ok, whatever. After school I left for a gap year living in the US. I told everyone I was German. Cause it was easier to tell them I was German since I lived there for most of my life, right? “But you don’t look that German”/“But your name isn’t typical German” / “Where are your parents from?”. The question starts a whole other conversation because my mom was born in Uzbekistan but is Russian but now according to her passport German. My dad was born in Russia but was always German because his father and grandfather….back in the days….Catherine the Great…but then again [insert saying here]. “Ok, but who are you?” And that’s when my tears always start pouring down. Cause I don’t know who I am. Most of my life people tried to tell me who I supposedly am. And whenever I think, ok, I think I finally know who I am now… And then the war started. And all of a sudden, whatever I thought I am, now everyone tells me to better say I am German and hide the fact that I have anything to do with Russia. Once again I feel robbed of a part of me. And once again my parents hit me with that saying [insert saying here.] But I am sick and tired. I had enough of saying: “Ok, whatever.” I had enough of shedding tears. I had enough of people trying to tell me who I am or am not. I had enough of trying to define who I am according to countries, languages or cultures. It may work for others but unfortunately not for me.

I take the best of both worlds.
I embrace the best of both worlds.
I celebrate the best of both world.
I am of both worlds