The Role of the Churches in Germany

In 2002, some 113,500 couples decided to get married in a Protestant or Catholic church. Many Germans are not satisfied with simply signing their names at the registry office. Although they have little to do with the church in their daily lives, they wish to have God's blessing at the start of their marriage.

"Brides are almost as sensitive as pregnant women," says Amrey Vollmer, Pronuptia manager in Hamburg. She has seen it all at her bridal fashion store. Brides who are moved to tears when they see themselves in the mirror for the first time; beaming, happy brides (the majority), but also tense, despairing brides. Mothers of brides-to-be who want to dictate which dress their daughters should wear, and friends who try to minimise the damage. Sometimes it is the other way around. At Pronuptia they understand why wedding films are such a popular Hollywood theme.

Today, it is comparatively quiet and relaxed. Mascha Haeberle is posing in front of a large mirror and smoothing out her dress. She only has to select an appropriate underskirt – a comparably easy task. Her mother is sitting on one of the pink chairs with a heart-shaped back and is proudly looking at her slim daughter. A television is on in the background with the sound turned down: brides on the catwalk – a fashion show in Paris.

In another six weeks, it will be the day that is supposed to be the best day in Mascha's life. The 28-year-old advertising saleswoman has all the preparations under control, and has been planning for the last six months, so she is not too nervous.

Getting married is not going out of fashion

Mascha and her boy-friend Alexander were sure that they wanted to get married in church from the beginning. "A wedding is more than the legal act at the registry office, more than just a signature," she says. Getting married in church is more romantic. "A blessing for our marriage is important for me too. I'm not a regular church-goer, but I do believe that there is some higher power." Of course, they would also like to have children, but, says Masha, "you don't have to get married for that anymore." Rather, she sees the wedding as "the icing on the cake" and "a demonstration of our love." And a promise of eternal loyalty. Mascha is confident that it will work out. After all, she and her future husband have been together for ten years now.

Married bliss is more fragile today than ever before. One marriage in three ends in divorce in Germany, and in big cities, the figure is as high as one in two. Nonetheless, marriage is not going out of fashion. In 2003, some 392,000 marriages were solemnised at registry offices. In 2002, some 54,000 couples had a Catholic wedding, and nearly 59,500 couples a Protestant wedding. The figures for 2003 are not yet available. That means that a church wedding is no longer a matter of course, even for church members. If at least one partner is Protestant, however, 63 per cent of couples do get married in a Protestant church as well as having a civil wedding, which is compulsory for all couples getting married in Germany. When one partner is Catholic, there are just under 31 Catholic weddings for every 100 civil weddings.

That may have something to do with the fact that Catholic church law forbids remarriage after a divorce. Catholics view marriage as a sacrament, which means that a church wedding is a profession of faith, and the marriage cannot be dissolved. In contrast, divorced Protestants may remarry in church, because Protestants view marriage as "a worldly thing," as the reformer Martin Luther put it.

Many questions as to the meaning of life before the wedding

"The churches provide the most beautiful, most solemn and most romantic ceremony – in brief, the ideal wedding," says Hamburg pastor Frank Muchlinsky. "It is just a shame that when we provide this outstanding service, we do not do a bit more to advertise what else we have to offer." The Protestant theologian, who has set up the website www.trauspruch.de together with a colleague, does not aim to evangelise, or to make married couples do church work. Rather, he would like to make an offer to anyone who is interested. "Of course, couples ask lots of questions about the meaning of life in the run-up to their wedding. This "yes" for ever goes hand in hand with hopes and expectations, but also with worries and fears," he says. When a couple wanting to get married talks to the pastor, not all of these things can be discussed. Such discussions often focus on choosing the hymns, the wedding verse and the sermon. Muchlinsky therefore considers marriage preparation seminars, a requirement for a Catholic wedding in many regions, to be a good institution.

Behaviour therapy for couples

One form such marriage seminars take is A Learning Programme for Partnership, developed by the Institute for Research and Training in Communication Therapy in Munich. This training is based on a behaviour therapy approach, regardless of the couples' denomination or religion. In six two-hour training sessions, partners practise ten rules for communication. They include "stick to a topic", "speak about yourself and your feelings", "avoid generalisations" and "listen carefully". Quite obvious things, one might think. The seminars focus first on optional topics, and later on expectations of the partnership, beliefs and values. "The training makes for happier marriages and reduces the likelihood of divorce. That has been shown by research accompanying the programmes," says Muchlinsky, himself a trainer on the programme.

Some 20 couples in Hamburg took part in the seminars on a voluntary basis last year - not exactly a huge number. "But I don't think it's such a bad idea," says Mascha, and her mother, who herself has been divorced for a long time, agrees, saying, "It could maybe clear up many misunderstandings at the beginning of a marriage." Mascha is sure that she could never persuade her husband-to-be to take part in such a communication training programme, however "One of the most important things in a marriage is that you don't stop talking to one another," says Mascha. "I don't need a marriage seminar to tell me that."

Christina Sticht
works as editor and freelance journalist in Hamburg
Translation: Eileen Flügel
Copyright: Goethe-Institut e. V., Online-Redaktion
June 2004

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