Panorama

Roughly 7,300 children and youth in Germany live in households with two mothers or two fathers. As part of the first study on daily life in these rainbow families, 700 parents and children were surveyed from Germany’s same-sex domestic partnerships.

Elke Hof has been living with her partner for 11 years. Five years ago they officially registered their domestic partnership. They live with their 13-year-old son Stefan who she brought into the relationship when he was two. Michael Lott and his partner Peter have a total of five children from previous heterosexual relationships. After meeting eight years ago they lived for several years with two of their sons. At this point all of the children have moved out of the house, but they all get together for family events – even Michael’s ex-wife comes with her new partner. Stephanie Gerlach and her partner have a seven-year-old daughter together. Gerlach, who even published her own book about children from rainbow families, was able to have her daughter thanks to a sperm donation from a good friend.

“Homosexuals are not worse parents”

According to the study, the overwhelming majority of rainbow families (93 percent) have two mothers. As with the family of Hofs and Gerlachs, most of the families only have one child – who gets comparatively copious amounts of love and attention. “Homosexual couples are not worse parents. Children develop with two mothers or two fathers just as well as they do in other family configurations,” is how Federal Justice Minister Brigitte Zypries sums up the study commissioned by her office. Led by Dr. Marina Rupp from the State Institute for Family Research at the University of Bamberg, the study also revealed that duties such as gainful employment, housework and child rearing are more equally shared in same-sex partnerships than in heterosexual ones.

Who is the husband and who is the wife?

“When my wife adopted Stefan, a woman came from Child Services to speak with us all about the situation and get a better idea of our private life. She even asked us about roles – as in, who was the husband and who was the wife. But we don’t really have that. Very few rainbow families have that type of role allocation,” explains Elke Hof. The visit from Child Services was a bit absurd anyway since Stefan had already lived in that house with his two mothers before.

Nearly half of the children in rainbow families are born into the relationships and are therefore planned. That explains the extra effort, care and openness in a majority of these families. They are not like children brought in from previous relationships, or children that have to process the trauma of a divorce. These children are most often conceived by one of their mothers from a sperm donation. There are no “accidents” here. But this family setup can be a bit of a balancing act when a parent-child relationship with the “active” parent as well as with the biological parent is to be maintained and everyone's best interests are to be protected. Stephanie Gerlach and her life partner are fortunate that the biological father of their daughter is happy to play the social role of an uncle or family friend. This way, the girl has two mothers as well as regular contact with the man who made her possible.

With regard to the quality of the relationships with both parents and their psychological adjustments, children and adolescents in rainbow families differ little from ones who grow up in other family situations. The interviews even indicate that they have stronger self-esteem and more autonomy in their relationships with their parents than kids of the same age in other families.

Sometimes mothers kiss too

“Sometimes two mothers kiss. It’s like that with Stefan’s parents.” Unfortunately, not everyone who experiences rainbow families is as understanding as the kindergarten classmate of Stefan’s quoted here. As a result, the children are potential subjects of discrimination, teasing and name-calling – there is even the odd physical bullying from classmates. The coordinator of the study, Dr. Rupp, reported that some intolerant reactions arose after publication of the results. “In addition to factual doubts about the results, there was even some very direct hostility towards myself, the institute and gays and lesbians. Some really nasty and insulting letters came in.”

For the most part, however, it is mostly curiosity and questions that face these families. Michael Lott and Elke Hof more often got the impression that they were subjects of particular observation in the neighborhood. But there haven't been any obvious difficulties yet. That is also probably due to the fact that these families are pretty proactive about their situation – like Michael Lott’s daughter. At 16 she thought it was “really cool” that her father is gay and even boasted about it in school.