Word! The Language Column  Small Talk – Better than its Reputation

What’s wrong with a light-hearted chat? Nothing, says Christiane Rösinger. In her opinion: Good small talk is entertaining and inspiring. A plea to get over our reluctance to talk.

The old cultural technique of small talk seems to be in crisis. More and more people, especially young people, are rejecting what the dictionary calls “light, casual conversation” as superficial banter, meaningless and exhausting. On social media, people complain about the imposition of the small talk rule: “I hate small talk!” Yet well-conducted small talk can be entertaining, inspiring and sparkling! But it seems that the social ability to make light conversation is disappearing.

Shared bread, shared language

 This is probably due to the growing number of people who have difficulties with social interaction. Neurodivergent characteristics and diagnoses such as autism, ADHD or social anxiety can make a small exchange in a friendly atmosphere with strangers or casual acquaintances a major challenge. There is also widespread discussion about the lack of authenticity in small talk. According to Instagram, strangers who engage in small talk prefer deeper, more meaningful conversations – “deep talk”.

But as far back as 1923, the anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski understood small talk as “phatic communication” – a highly functional, linguistically communal practice. As “a communion that is created not by the sharing of bread but, as it were, by the sharing of language”. The content is purposeless and meaningless, such as formulaic greetings, questions about health, remarks about the obvious such as the current weather.

Typically German?

Perhaps the inability to make small talk is a German problem? Non-representative surveys on cultural differences in conversational behaviour among randomly selected, well-travelled respondents have revealed the following:

In contrast to the English, who are masters of small talk, the Germans are considered to be somewhat awkward because they are too serious and matter-of-fact. The French are said to be interested in making themselves as witty and well-read as possible in short conversations, while Americans like to use small talk to spread their unfounded enthusiasm.

Small talk is also seen as an important cultural technique in Asia, where, as everywhere else, the rule is: food, football, sports and weather yes; illnesses, politics, worries, religion no. Refusing to talk at social gatherings or in casual encounters is considered rude the world over. That’s why the internet is full of tips and tricks for overcoming small-talk phobia. Dozens of self-help books offer help for introverts and shy people.

Talkative people under pressure

In the caring, supportive view of people who struggle with small talk, another group is forgotten: The group of moderate extroverts who are not diagnosed and who have to do more and more small talk and conversation work for the small talk refusers in everyday life.
As more and more people refer to their neurodivergent characteristics and simply remain silent in a group situation, the pressure on those who are willing to talk increases.

The imperative of politeness

Social situations can also be stressful for those who are used to making small talk. Sometimes we would prefer to keep quiet and be left alone, but that would be very rude. So we pull ourselves together and say a few words. After all, it would make us feel much worse to let the other person get away with the small talk they have started, i.e. to simply not reply, than to overcome our reluctance to speak and focus on a few non-committal observations.

January 2025