Rohan Nathaniel & Markus Horsthemke-Nathaniel

Rohan speaks fluent German. Markus is still working on his English. But language is only one of the things the couple has had to navigate as they build a life together in Münster. Their story is also about family, cultural differences, food, and learning to see the familiar through someone else’s eyes.

By Prathap Nair

Rohan, a logistics engineer, moved to Germany 20 years ago and understands that knowing the language is half the battle when settling into the country. After over two decades in Germany, first as a master’s student and later as a working professional, he has perfected his German.

When Markus swiped right on Rohan in 2015, the fact that Rohan was Indian did not play an important role. What mattered was the connection they found.

The language could have been a hurdle, since Markus didn't speak much English at the time. “It was a real blessing that Rohan spoke German so well,” Markus says from their home in Münster. But for him, language would never have been a reason not to pursue the relationship. “I think love is love, and if I had to learn English to get to know him better, I would have.”

For Markus, an assistant principal at a school, learning has remained an important part of their intercultural relationship. “I think I’m still learning,” he says.

“There is no real way to prepare for a relationship,” says Rohan. “You just go for it and then sort of figure things out as you move along.”

Everyday Cultural Differences

Some of their biggest learnings have come from understanding each other’s cultural backgrounds.

Before meeting Rohan, Markus had never heard about the caste system in India. When Rohan explained it to him, he initially found it surprising and even a little strange. Over time, however, Markus began to see similarities with social divisions in Germany, such as differences in social class and the divide between rich and poor.

For Rohan, one of the most noticeable differences between India and Germany lies in family relationships. In Germany, children are often encouraged to become independent and self-reliant from an early age. In India, relationships between parents and children often remain closely connected throughout adulthood.

Rohan does not see one approach as better than the other. Instead, he describes them as different ways of understanding family and responsibility.

Coming Out and Family Expectations

Their relationship also became an important part of Rohan’s journey of coming out. For a long time, his family expected him to marry a woman. When he told them about Markus, many were surprised. While the response was largely loving and understanding, there were also difficult reactions. Rohan came out to his family a few years into their relationship and says that his relationship with Markus played an important role in helping him take that step.

Markus had already come out to his family before meeting Rohan. He grew up on a farm in a small village in Germany, and before their relationship began, he had rarely travelled outside Europe. “My world was very small,” he says.

For Markus, meeting Rohan opened up a new perspective on the world. His sister, he explains, believes he “won the relationship lottery” by marrying someone from a completely different cultural background.

Experiencing Each Other’s Worlds

Their first visits to each other’s countries also brought moments of surprise.

When Markus travelled to Bengaluru for the first time, he felt overwhelmed by the city’s size, traffic and constant movement. Standing at a busy road crossing, he struggled to find a way through the traffic. Auto drivers approached him asking where he wanted to go, while children came up to him and wanted to take photographs.

The experience was intense. “I was so close to crying,” Markus recalls. But the culture shock did not last. Having Rohan by his side helped him adjust, and later trips to Mysuru, Pune and Mumbai allowed him to experience different sides of India. By the end of the journey, he loved every part of it.

Rohan’s experience of adapting to Germany was different. When he arrived as a student in 2006, there were moments when he missed the company of other Indians. At the same time, he wanted to explore and learn about a new culture rather than only remain within a familiar community. Having a few Indian friends still provided an important sense of connection.

A Shared Love for Food

Food has become one of the ways the couple celebrates both cultures. Indian cuisine plays an important role in their everyday life. Rohan jokes that he has introduced Markus to the point where he now complains if food is not spicy enough.

At home, they take turns cooking. Markus prepares German dishes such as goulash and Frikadellen with roast potatoes, and he has also learned to cook Indian dishes, including chana masala.

Their shared relationship with food began early. When Rohan first invited Markus for dinner at his apartment, he described it as a small meal because he had not had much time to cook. Instead, Markus found a table filled with different dishes, including keema masala, the first Indian meal he had ever eaten. “It was love at first bite,” he says.

Learning Each Other’s Languages

Although Rohan is fluent in German, Markus still feels that language can sometimes create distance between him and Rohan’s family. His English skills, he says, sometimes limit his ability to fully participate in conversations. “I always have a feeling that I cannot get closer to Rohan’s family because of my lack of English,” he explains.

He misses being able to express his humour and spontaneity in the same way he can in German. “Sometimes it makes me sad that my English is not so good,” he says.

As a self-described lifelong learner, Markus knows that the process of adapting never stops. Becoming fluent in English is simply the next step in that journey.