Aazmi Ashraf & Thorsten Tschofen

Leadership coach Aazmi Ashraf and electrical engineer Thorsten Tschofen met through a dating app, but building a life together meant learning far more than each other's habits. From navigating food, language, and family expectations to growing banana leaves in Germany, their relationship is shaped by small, everyday moments that bridge two cultures.

By Prathap Nair

Leadership coach Aazmi Ashraf and electrical engineer Thorsten Tschofen met on a dating app in 2017. Newly arrived in Germany and recently divorced, Aazmi was open to meeting new people. "Thorsten approached me even before I finished setting up my profile," she recalls from their home in Heppenheim, a town south of Frankfurt.

Before agreeing to meet, she took precautions. Her younger brother checked Thorsten's profile to make sure he was genuine, and she suggested a restaurant at a golf club near her office in the neighbouring town of Bensheim. It felt like neutral ground, and if the date went badly, she could simply leave and walk to her nearby office building. Thorsten still laughs when he remembers the setting. "It was winter and we were the only guests that day. It felt like I had reserved the whole restaurant for her."

The precautions proved unnecessary. After the date, Thorsten suggested deleting the app because its subscription cost €400. Aazmi agreed. Within days, they were meeting each other's friends and colleagues, and she introduced him to her manager during a work dinner.

Although their relationship began online, Aazmi says the process reminded her in some ways of arranged marriages in India, where families often become involved early. As they were getting to know each other, her parents happened to be visiting Germany, so she introduced them to Thorsten. For him, that was one of the first cultural surprises. "Within a few weeks of dating someone, I got invited to meet the parents. It felt odd at first, but everything went well."

Now in the eighth year of their relationship, the couple are married and live in a small village near Heppenheim.

Everyday Cultural Differences

Some of their earliest conversations revolved around everyday habits. One evening, Thorsten wondered how they would explain to their future children that eating with their hands was acceptable at the dining table without encouraging them to play with their food.

Aazmi remembers being surprised by the question. She explained that children could learn to use every appropriate utensil, including their own hands when the meal called for it. "I've seen people trying to eat dosa with a knife and fork. I want to ask them: What are you doing?"

For Thorsten, the question reflected the way he had been raised in Germany, where eating with hands was generally associated with poor table manners. Living with Aazmi gradually changed that perspective. Today he happily eats many Indian dishes without cutlery and laughs that "I would never eat dosa or idli with a knife and fork. It doesn't work."

Food as a Shared Language

Food has become one of the strongest expressions of the couple's shared life. Aazmi jokes that it is "Thorsten's first love" and says she eventually had to ask her aunts to stop overfeeding him because he enthusiastically accepted every serving of spicy food.

Living in Germany also introduced her to a different food culture. German bakeries, which had once felt intimidating, gradually became familiar. Today even her parents enjoy Abendbrot, the traditional German evening meal of bread, cheese and cold cuts, whenever they visit.

Thorsten had already discovered Indian food while living briefly in Birmingham in the United Kingdom, but sharing it every day at home has deepened that appreciation. Now, he is usually responsible for cooking the Western dishes in their household, from pasta and bolognese to goulash.

Learning to Work in Germany

Adjusting to German working life brought its own learning curve for Aazmi. Before starting her first job, people warned her that German colleagues could come across as rude. Looking back, she believes much of that impression came from cultural misunderstanding.

The adjustment came in layers. Firstly, in many workplaces, German was simply the expected language. Secondly, Germany's direct communication style initially sounded like criticism. Over time, she realised it was simply a different way of expressing oneself. Ironically, she says, her straightforwardness in India became an advantage in Germany.

Navigating Language

English remains the language of their relationship because it was the language they first shared. Whenever German-speaking visitors come over, however, they switch to German.

For Aazmi, learning German was motivated less by everyday necessity and more by family, such as communicating with Thorsten's mother. At first, Thorsten would translate for her. But his mother encouraged her to keep speaking despite her mistakes. That encouragement, Aazmi says, gave her the confidence to express herself in German.

Growing a Home Together

Their home reflects the ways both have embraced each other's cultures. Aazmi learned German to build closer relationships with Thorsten's family, while Thorsten, an enthusiastic gardener, has filled their home with tropical plants that remind Aazmi of India. Among them are several curry leaf plants and, more recently, a hardy Japanese banana variety.

The four-metre banana plant survives the German winters in their garden and provides banana leaves for festive Indian meals. It has become an unexpected reminder that traditions can adapt to new surroundings without losing their roots.